October 14, 2012

tumblr effin jeffin sucks.

i’d find a gif to portray my emotions but i’m employed so i’ll just go on having a life instead on TWITTER and FACEBOOK, where PEOPLE WITH THINGS TO DO HANG OUT. 


October 15, 2011   10 notes


Few things in life are as precious as the innocence of youth. But if you’re like me and you’d rather have an erudite adolescent at the cost of $2 dollars per minute than a wholesome little dipshit, go right ahead and get the folks at your local ‘Homework Hotline’ to mentally taint your mathematically challenged youngster. Because if a thing’s worth doing, it’s worth being done entirely by a fiscally troubled teacher or student on your behalf.

This homework hotline specialises in dealing with children who take in information at the same speed my cat taxis people to Heathrow airport at; an entirely appropriate target audience considering that it’s an advert intended to be broadcast within Louisiana. (This judgement was brought to you by Bob Davidge and the good people WVLA-TV Homework Hotline - where excruciatingly painful is good enough.) 

I don’t know what would be more of a hassle: sitting through a painful 50 minutes of Homework Hotline waiting for your question to be answered, or actually doing your homework. So to find out I actually arranged and attended a Q&A session with Steve Utter and a number of fans prior to the writing of this blog with the idea of informing us further. Unfortunately Steve, still evidently numbed from his visit to the Homework Hotline HQ in Louisiana, paced off halfway through mumbling ‘I hope that helps’, leaving me desperately in the lurch. HELP ME HOMEWORK HOTLINE! 

The danger of relying on such a service is that for all you know, the people on the other end could be as incompetent as you, as is clear in this following video titled ‘Homework Hotline goes horribly wrong.’ I doubt Homework Hotline could have found a creepier person to work the telephones and, as his acting skills show, he’s clearly not going to be able to help you with your drama homework.


August 19, 2011   1 note


Listen, before you say anything, yes, I am writing about Justin Bieber. It’s a scientific fact that 40% of the internet is JB content so I’m alienating a good portion of my potential readers by not talking Bieber. Don’t blame yours truly faithful reader, blame the uneducated masses. Anyways, courtesy of the always funderful Videothunder, I present images of Biebs with a Beluga.

I’m trying to work out what’s more depressing; that an evidently erudite and cultivated little girl knows how to upload videos onto Youtube and I don’t, or that I’ve sat in front of a computer screen for a good ten minutes, unable to convey in words how fantastically brilliant it would have been for Justin Bieber to have been killed by a captive Beluga whale. It’s not like I hate the guy, it’s just I think that the positive effects of desensitising a lot of children very quickly through the bloody death of an icon far outweighs the likely outcome of the Corey Haim special that’s awaiting Justin Bieber.  We could eliminate the watershed, have daily screenings of Apocalypto and welcome Flanimal Jackie Stallone back on to the small screen where she belongs - all for a Beluga banqueting on Bieber.  Obviously, Justin’s inner circle (eww) are all very aware of the dangers posed by sea creatures to the boy wonder, so the likelihood of this fantasy goring playing out is slim. But, positively, at least the visualisation of all his kiddy fans watching through the glass tank as his body gets ravaged by the cute little fishy will replace the premonitions of my own death as the final images I see before I get to sleep each night. Sweet dreams.

August 11, 2011   1 note


In a week where we witnessed the powerful allure of JD Sports, a massive rise in the sales of baseball bats and the downfall of the inept Salford Knight Warrior, we’ve learnt that we need to be even more careful of youngsters hyped up on a steady diet of social exclusion, consumerism and scary music that just needs to take a time out. So consider Zioukido, the only martial art where its technique and application is as tough as its pronunciation.

I like Zioukido as it forgoes all the posturing and nuthugging of Modern Mixed Martial arts by instead placing particular stress on techniques for real-life practical situations. As we see in the video, when you’re not being taught how to properly headbutt a small child so the back of their head breaks a ceramic tile that’s been balanced on the forehead of another individual (a skill that surely would have come in handy during the rioting), you’re being taught how to ingeniously scare a passer-by with sheer creative brilliance and a glass bottle. So if you’re interested in learning the secrets of Zioukido (hint: shin pads), pop along to that recently burnt out Croydon furniture shop, also known as the new Zioukido Dojo, where they’re currently making the best out of a bad situation.

August 3, 2011   30 notes


Having trouble deciding what blockbuster film to watch this summer? Watch ‘Usthad’, the Malayalam smash hit of 1999 starring Mohanlal as the underworld business negotiator struggling to balance his private life and dance troupe.

Usthad kicks ass in this opening scene with all the consistency of a Direct Line advert; you know it’s coming and you know it’s going to hurt to watch each and every time. The scene then breaks down into every office supplies manager nightmare with a harrowing portrayal of what happens when you don’t take stock take seriously. If that doesn’t make you want to watch this scene, perhaps some saucy swimming-pool action might. But I’ve said too much.

'Usthad' isn't quite as action packed as what its Youtube description might have you believe. Because Western cinema has conditioned me to want action thick and fast, this shall count against the film as if I'd wanted to watch 2 hours of incomprehensible dialogue I would've just streamed Rocky instead. But, positively, we do get some chirpy musical numbers, exemplified by this touching scene. But I've said too much.

I don’t want to ruin the ending sequence of ‘Usthad’ so you can watch the entirety of the 130 minute film, so I won’t reveal too much. But if you would care to watch the barnstorming ending that’ll only take 14 minutes out of your day, it’s posted below for your own viewing. And I do recommend that you do. So in any event, all I’ll say is, yes, they are trying to fob off a children’s calculator as a bomb detonator. And yes, he did lick his fist. And yes, they ran like that. And yes, it ended like that. And yes, I enjoyed all the jumping too. And yes, he did do that. And yes, he did do that. But I’ve said too much.