September 27, 2010

Auction Singing

Whilst casually watching the deceptively titled ‘Pawn Stars’ (itself a programme that deserves praise for finally making history relevant in cash value terms), an angelic voice distracted me from a son’s quest to gain recognition from his Father.

Auction singing is in the very stitch of the quilt that is the United States of America. With that being said, it is nice to see in this auction the inclusion of a Native American (here seen showing off his world famous Paiute hanky dance) in order to make them think that their heritage has been embraced and that they have a say in running ‘their’ country when we all know that they have absolutely nothing of value to add except a little window dressing. With or without those teepee residing lose-bags auction singing is here to stay, unlike those crappy little Injun reservations.

Leroy Van Dyke’s fantastically imaginative song about his cousin named ‘The Auctioneer song’ is probably the most well-known example of Auction singing. If you can’t feel your brain trying roll over and die whilst listening to it you don’t have it turned up loud enough.

Here’s an Amish horse auction. Are they allowed to use a microphone at their auctions or have they just drafted in someone from the local town to auction off the horses just because he doesn’t have an aversion to technology? Or are they just being sneaky, hoping that God is too preoccupied damning masturbating teens in Utah so that the all mighty sexless spirit is unable to hear their heathen bartering?  Answers on a postcard please.

The auctioneering community seems genuinely well-knit (probably down to all that inbreeding) and full of people ready and willing to pass on the trade to the next generation of Leroy Van Dykes.

I really don’t get why anyone would want to sound like Stephen Hawking on coke, but then again I really don’t understand why anyone would not want subscribe to the Auction Network. I’ll just leave this profile of ‘Auction Royalty’ Spanky Assiter here along with this very sweet quotation from the video below.

‘Amy being a celebrity of sorts, people were coming up and asking her for her photograph or signature and Jimmy Landis was up there auctioneering on this car and he was going along, and someone comes up and gets Amy to take their picture and signs this paper and Jimmy turns the microphone and said ‘Spanky, you might have made her famous, but if you’re not careful somebody else is going to make her rich.’ And he started auctioneering and I got to thinking about that and (thought) ‘Jeez, I better marry her!’

Not only is that the mark of a good Auctioneer, but a lesson we can all take away and learn from; always follow the money.